latest email I have sent to my parents re: coming out as bisexual and my dad not being ok with it below the cut
Anonymous said: So is it okay for a woman (trans or cis) to enjoy bondage? Or anything under the bdsm umbrella? I'm so confused and I don't want to promote abusive behavior. Btw I am not a "male feminist" hahahah. Just a curious girl :/
so here’s what’s up
i’m not really here to tell you what to do and what not to do. you should do what feels right for you.
that being said, the bdsm community represents a field where sexual/violence (particularly against women) is fetishized and normalized. theoretically, as in on paper, this could be a non-issue—if it’s between two consenting adults, they understand the implications, etc etc—BUT would you look at that? the theory doesn’t hold up. kinksters love to bombard people with elaborate descriptions of their kink, make them unwitting participants (you only have to throw a rock to find a, “my Daddy LOVES blah blah blah” note reblogged on an otherwise innocuous post for example), and really, REALLY hate it when anyone criticizes a world where violence against women sexy and fun.
the bdsm community loves to protect abusers, loves to pretend that anyone who claims abuse isn’t “doing it right,” basically loves to be giant shitholes about anything that isn’t their specific fantasy and FRANKLY i have a difficult time imagining that getting off on massive power imbalances doesn’t fuck up your interpersonal skills on a general level, you see what i’m saying?
just in case anyone wants to roll up in here all mad that i’m not “in” kink and i’m against it, fuck off. behaviors like this being normalized and dispersed in the general population is dangerous for women bc it digs a big fucking hole in an already unlevel playing field, there’s a incredibly popular post that circulates about how to do “safe” breath play when, guess what? there is no such thing, no matter how many cute cartoons of a woman getting choked you draw. when you answer crisis calls for domestic violence you have a checklist of like, ten or fifteen behaviors that are SUCH HUGE RED FLAGS that statistically they represent men who will kill their partners, and strangulation is number one.
so, the way i see it, “is it okay to enjoy this” isn’t even really a conversation we’re ready to have, because whenever someone tries to say, “this person assaulted me” or voice their concerns over cutesy cartoons that depict literally lethal behavior they’re shut down by a cavalcade of shitty, abusive comments where supposedly safe, “feminist” men call them ignorant, childish, all manner of slurs, unloveable, &c &c forever
but, if as a woman you enjoy bondage or whatever, i have two points of advice which are 1) take the time to consider why you want to/find domination erotic, question how this affects/is affected by relationships with men in your life and 2) keep yourself safe and cover your ass any way you know how because these dudes will fucking turn on you
I was all ready to say “the self-proclaimed sex positive community doesn’t allow any safe spaces for victims of a use or assault” but that was basically already said here
it is very very true though